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Dec. 16th, 2011 | 09:14 pm
location: hell
disposition: crushedcrushed

Ok, so that last entry is a bit much to read. It's more of a ramble than even my normal posts so here's a shorter version.

I am feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life because I have lost a relationship with someone who meant more to me than I ever knew anyone could. It's also worse because it took this to wake me up to how horrible I have treated everyone for a long time... leaving the only people who may have ever loved me in the wake of my destruction. I wasted second chances and only now truly learned what I've been doing to everyone. I hurt more each day. This is my hell and I deserve this.

I cannot suicide because it would hurt the person I've hurt most even more. This is the only thing keeping me alive now. I beg for reconsideration, forgiveness, and another chance. I push... further away. I reach... and it drifts further. I try to be good but every word is dubbed manipulation. I finally see the commitment and dedication I've longer for.... but it's a commitment to leave. Cruel words come back at me. When I express my apologies and correction... they come across as more obstacles and there is Anger. Struggling to find the smallest flicker of hope, I wonder if the anger may cover feelings that are still there. I'm told no - that there are no feelings and no more chances.

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